I’m writing this as a live-as-things-happen-post about NBC’s remake of American Gladiators. I’ve been so excited about this since I heard a few months ago that NBC was doing this.

Opening – AMAZING. Fireworks and a montage of Gladiator events. Hulk Hogan yelling things. This season, instead of just random joes, we’re getting back-stories on the 24 competitors, which I think is good because it allows the viewers to either sympathize with or dislike the contestants.

Tonight marks the two-hour premiere, and I will be doing the play-by-play of what I see. I am joined by my roommate and fellow blogger, Matt Crespi. He will be providing color commentary, and we’ll be reviewing the first competition in addition to reviewing the games and the Gladiators.

The Events:

Powerball – You have to put dodgeballs in five different buckets as Gladiators try to tackle you. The goals are a lot bigger than they were in the original.

Joust – It’s like old Joust, but now it’s on an elevated platform above a pool of water. Crespi has a new strategy. “If you think you’re going to lose, lie face down on the platform gripping the edges. It’s a guaranteed tie because nothing they’re allowed to do to you can knock you off at that point. Of course, you’re totally a pansy.”

Hang Tough – Jungle gym rings on steroids. A Gladiator chases you down and tries to pull you down into the water below.

Pyramid – You run up a padded pyramid Q*bert style. It’s a king-of-the-hill/agrocrag style mountain where your goal is to get past your Gladiator and get to the top in 30 seconds.

Hit and Run – You run back and forth across a bridge, while Gladiators hurl 100lb teardrop-shaped bags at you.

Earthquake – You wrestle on an elevated spinning platform and try to stay on for 30 seconds.

Gauntlet – Run thought a half-pipe with four Gladiators. It seems just like the original, but I don’t remember.

Wall – Fast-pasted climb up a rock wall with Gladiators chasing you.

Assault – You have five stations to shoot a nerf-like gun at a target while a Gladiator has a high-powered air gun that shoots tennis balls at you at 100 mph. A brand new (and awesome) addition is that if the competitor hits the target, there’s a “Gladiator Launcher” that shoots the Gladiator into a pool of water below.

Eliminator – See description during the commentary.

I am sad to see that the Atlasphere is NOT included in the new list of competitions. It was my favorite game on the old version.

The Competition:

Jessie Adams vs. Koya Webb

I’m rooting for Jessie in this one. She’s down to earth. She sells toilet paper. She’s doing this for her kids. WINNER. Koya is too happy. Crespi – “If she wins and becomes a Gladiator next season, her name would be Smiley.”

Anthony Abbatemarco vs. Chad Knight

Chad – I don’t like him and his kid son seems like a turd. OK, it’s not nice to insult a 7-year old, my apologies. He’s a skateboarder? In the words of The Professor, “Get a job!”
Anthony Abbatemarco – He’s a New York City Firefighter. He’s a nice guy. An All-American hero. I’m rooting for him.

Powerball

Jessie took a bad hit. She might be out of the completion. They showed slow-motion replays of her taking a spill. Crespi – “Slow motion doesn’t work as well on Gladiators as it does in the NFL.” Anthony took a huge lead, as he should.

Scores After Round 1
Koya 6 – Jessie 2
Anthony 12 – Chad 2

We’ve just gotten an injury update, and Jessie is out. I am very sad. Venus Ramos, a doctor, has been called up from her Rehab practice to replace Jessie. I’m still rooting for Venus over happy-go-lucky Koya.

Joust

Venus – Lasted less than ten seconds.
Koya – Survived thirty seconds.

Hang Tough

Anthony – Cruised to an easy victory when Militia hurt his arm.
Chad – After some awful smack talk by Chad, Wolf grabbed onto Chad and pulled him down. Best part was when Wolf was being interviewed and proclaimed, “I’m mean everywhere!”

Scores after Round 2
Koya 11 – Venus 2
Anthony 22 – Chad 2

Earthquake

Venus – Body slammed! She survived though.

Koya – She was dominating, but Fury held on to a rope, spun around, and sent Koya flying off the platform. Wow!

Hit and Run

Anthony – Dominated once again. Crespi – “He’s not leaving anything for the trip home! He’s either coming back as a champion or coming back in a body bag. He’s got moxey coming out the wazoo!”

Scores After Round 3
Koya 11 – Venus 7
Anthony 32 – Chad 4

Pyramid

Venus – She’s a doctor. She keeps reminding us of this. Crespi – “Go! Scramble! Scuttle!”

More from Crespi – “Anthony’s unremitting effort reminds me of what Abraham Lincoln called ‘the last full measure of devotion.’ Of course, he was referring to dying for one’s country, and this is American Gladiators, but you can see it written all over his face. His entire existence is in this competition.”

Scores After Round 4
Koya 11 – Venus 12
Anthony 37 – Chad 4

Eliminator

The Emilinator is an insane obstical course, and in the ramped up version it’s even bigger and crazier than the orginal. For every point you lead over your opponent going into the Eliminator, you get a 1/2 second head start. Venus had a 1 point lead, thus she gets a 1/2 second head start.

And they’re off.

20 foot swim, under water, underneath the fire. 30 foot cargo net climb…

I am dumbfounded right now. I had to stop typing because Crespi and I were both in shock watching what can only be described as a train wreck. Seeing two competitors absolutely stretch and push their body beyond all physical limits is something that you can’t turn your head away from. Koya had a dominating lead, but collapsed on the travelator. Venus came back out of nowhere, rushed up the travelator, and burst through the wall, securing a place in the next round. The only thing I can compare it to is that clip of the marathon runner who absolutely collapsed just yards away from the finish line. If anyone has a link to that clip, I’ll post it.

(Added on February 5 – I found a halfway decent version of The Eliminator clip from that show on youtube.)
(Also added on February 5 – Here’s the dude I was talking about.  His name is Chris Legh.)
Crespi – “Venus’s victory embodied the tortoise’s mantra. Slow and steady won this race when, in the face of certain defeat, one comparatively lilliputian competitor resolved to finish at all costs–putting herself in position to exploit a fatal slip. And just as the tiny terrapin overcame the rabbits‘s overwhelming speed, so too did the resolve and spirit of Venus conquer the mighty giant that was Koya Webb.”

On the guys’ side, Chad had this to say: “Nothing’s over until one of us crossed the finish line.” How right he was. Chad was crushed by the firefighter, Anthony. Crespi – “If Anthony had just a little more time, he could have put that fire out and still won.”

OK, so for the rest of what the Eliminator is, and I’m just going to copy and paste this from Wikipedia. “The final event of every show in the main series, the Eliminator is an obstacle course. The first contender to finish wins the competition. The Contender with the most points entering The Eliminator is given a head start equal to one second for every two points in the lead. The contenders first climb onto a 10 foot platform with the help of a rope. They then dive off the platform into the pool and swim under the flaming surface. They exit the pool by climbing up a cargo net to a rolling log. After they reach the bottom of the log, they must negotiate the Hand Bike before walking down an inclined balance beam. When they reach the bottom of the beam, they must climb up the Pyramid and descend using the Zipline. After the Zipline, the contenders must run up the “Travelator” – an inclined treadmill – before crashing through a foam wall that marks the finish line.”

I might write another post about the Gladiators later, but here are my four favorites so far:

Toa – He did a taunt much in the style of a Haka, which is what the New Zealand National Rugby Team, the All-Blacks do.
Wolf – He’s awesome. He howls like a wolf. Go figure.
Crush – In my opinion, the most attractive the female Gladiators.
Hellga – Crespi – “Of course, there HAS to be a Gladiator named Hellga.”

In a nutshell, WOW. I love the new American Gladiators, and I look forward to watching more episodes. Negative points go to NBC, because as Crespi pointed out to me, The Monday at 8pm time slot conflicts with the BCS Championship tomorrow night. I’ll just record it and watch it after the fact.